I am a mother...

I am a mother of one precious blond headed, blue-eyed, strong-willed, funny, intelligent 3 year old girl.

I am a mother of one precious bald headed, blue-eyed, feisty, slobbery, giggly, snuggly 1 year old boy.

I am a mother of one precious, imagined to be blond headed, blue-eyed, inquisitive, quiet, and shy 18 month old.

I know exactly what two of my beautiful children look like, feel like, sound like, smell like; but the other I can only imagine. I can imagine her quiet giggle, her warm smile, her brilliant blue eyes. I see her in Abby's gentleness, and feel her in Caleb's hugs. Was she a girl? We won't know this side of heaven, but I like to imagine she was. She was too small to hold, too small to see, but she left a large impression in my heart. She passed from my womb back to Jesus. She was with us too short a time.

People often say, "But if you had had that baby, you wouldn't have Caleb." That's true, I love Caleb with all my heart, and it was in God's plan for us to have Caleb. But that doesn't take away the ache of the child that isn't in my arms, but Jesus'.

Or they will say, "At least you weren't farther along." That's also true, but people who say that have never lost a child at any stage. Because people who have lost a child know that it doesn't matter if that child was with you one day or 50 years, the love in a mother's heart is instantaneous. It doesn't grow over time, it is there from the minute of conception.

The pain has lessened over the last two years. Now when I think of her, I can imagine her running free, giving my mammaw and pappaw kisses, looking down and laughing at the silly things Abby and Caleb do. But today I am sad. I miss her.

It was two years ago this week that we found out a new miracle was given to us. There were four amazing days of dreaming, planning, and hoping. Would she be a doctor, a teacher, an artist? Would she like basketball like her mommy, or cross country like her daddy? There were also four days of uncertainty. How were we going to handle two under two? Four days later we found out in an ER exam room that our baby wasn't going to make it. We cried, and prayed, and cried some more.

Everyone was so nice to us, praying for us, and sending us cards. But life has a way of moving on. Others go about their business, their life, and you have to find a way to move on too.

So today, I just felt the need to remind everyone, including myself, that I am a mother of three beautiful children. Two are here, with me, to remind me that life is rich, abundant, and a blessing from God. The other is waiting for me in heaven to remind me that this life is not all there is. There is something far better awaiting me when this life ends.